Friday, February 29, 2008

An Endearing Incident

These days I’ve been traveling a lot, literally living out of my backpack on weekends, and as the McD ad goes ‘I’m lovin’ it’. In the process I meet a lot of people, strangers to begin with but after a trip or trek they no longer remain strangers. What amazes me is the camaraderie and the rapport you sometimes develop with people in so short a span whereas in some cases even a lifetime is not enough.

So, I headed towards Mahabs (Mahabalipuram aka Mamallapuram) stealing time out of my weekend trip to Chennai. Mahabs a port city during the reign of Pallavas and it is also believed that it served as a school for young sculptors. There must be some veracity in that belief; Huge reliefs, beautifully carved sculptures, monolithic rathas and majestic temples are strewn across the small town handsomely making a walk through the town on foot an absolute joy. But this post is not about Mahabs but about a very lovable incident that happened there.

A friend’s friend (whom I was meeting for the first time) stays in Mahabs and as he and his wife were going to Chennai they said they would drop me. Tired after a long day of sightseeing I was relieved to get a little rest at their home.

Their son Jay is an absolutely adorable kid, he has this playful spark in his charcoal eyes and a most delightful smile. We hit it off almost instantly.

We started reading an illustrative magazine together, he with the resolute curiosity so associated with kids discovered something new at every page and some of his enthusiasm rubbed into me too. As we finished the magazine, he was curious to know whether I was going to Chennai with his parents and when he came to know that I was, he immediately said “Don’t Go!”

Awwwww cho chweet.

I assured him that I’ll be back to see him some other time (which I actually plan to do some day.) but he didn’t look convinced.

I took out my camera to get his pictures but he wouldn’t stay still and insisted on taking my picture. I gingerly gave the camera to him and he did manage to click a picture of mine but with no head, but he was so pleased when we reviewed it together.

We amused yourself thus for quite sometime before it was time for me to go. His Mom and Dad were pampering Jay as they would be out the whole night and after getting a kiss from his Mom he looked smug.

It was time for me to say good-bye and as I patted him on his back “Love you.” he said as if it was the most natural thing to say; his Mom tut-tutted light-heartedly from behind. “Me too.” I replied, beaming at him.

Love is not so difficult to find after all. I keep telling my Mom that there is a celestial connection that makes me meet such lovely people. And incidents like this strengthen my belief even more.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Love Actually

Is it too late to write about love?

28th Feb. Time to move on. As The Valentine Month comes to a chocking end, let us see what love has in store for us?

The laws of the universe (and Yash Chopra) dictate that there is one soulmate for everyone. Someone, somewhere is made for you.

And there starts the chaos. A simple look at the male:female sex ratio, and the magic gets lost in the logic!

Here to look at the interlock and de-code the ultimate Yash Chopra code (which coincidently made him a millionaire, not a bad myth haan!?!)

Boy loves girl. Girl loves boy.

Aha, wait! Not so simple. Start attaching live variables to this simple axiom, and you know the real magic behind the scenes...


Boy A loves Girl A. Girl A loves Boy B. Boy B loves Girl C. Girl C loves Boy D. and so on and so forth.

Other variations to the axiom: The famous love triangle. When superimposed, these triangels integrate, with many common nodes, forming a complex pyramid-like structure. All of us burried souls in the dead-weight of such mind-boggling confusion.

Then why does a spider fall into its own web? Trapped, silly-looking... All set to die. Why does it kill itself, commit a romantic-suicide? Not once, not twice... But time and again, till the time it's so-called attractiveness quotient dies in the romance-market, or it's hormones give away and are unable to respond to the needs of the opposite sex?

No idea. It's something like bungee-jumping. You just love the thrill. The thought. The concept... The wonderful 'feeling' of falling-in-love. Though, you know that the ropes have severed in the past... Only to let you loose in the dark abyss of solitude and tears.

Nah. But there you are... Ready to jump again. Shahrukh features in his 400th romantic flick at the age of fourty... And you're all set to whistle the love song, set it as your caller tune.

From tujhe dekha to, to aankhon mein teri... From Kajol to Deepika... The romantic love stories are the same. But what happens when the movie ends? The popcorn's over. The theater is empty, dark, ravaged and stinking.

You make promises to yourself.

And you break them. Only to get set for a new show. With a new audience. A new hero, a new heroine.

I'm ready to fall in love. All over again. Hopefully, this time - I'll soar. And fly. Nevertheless, I'll take this chance. And even if someone cuts my rope, strangles my belief - I know it's worth dying for!

Isn't Yash Chopra smiling?

- A NoMAD.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


Partying. Drinking. Dancing. Flirting. That’s how it goes, right? That’s how we distract ourselves when love hurts or when love’s lost.

Loneliness. Anti-Social. Depression. Swollen Eyes. Regret. Sympathy—that’s the other side of the picture.

Sleek black dress, dark crowded room, club lights, loud music and men. A woman would do a lot to get away from the person who holds her heart. In the arms of another man, she smiles… she dances. She pretends that she does not care, that life is all good and she is having fun.
She dances until she is breathless. She dances until she realizes it's not working.
Who is she kidding?
It's a dangerous thing to fall in love, you know. It's a one way road with one hidden dead end. There are no exits and there are no U-turns. You are on it and that’s just it. Drive smoothly and just pray you don’t hit the dead end.

A woman who has fallen in love truly and entirely will never be able to get out of it—not completely—ever. They say, in the cycle of replacement, love is the only thing that cannot be replaced. There is no comfort. No distraction is able to make much of a difference.
It's like drinking poison. You know it's your system. You are slowly dying and there is nothing you can do about it. You are just waiting for you to end. You want it to be abrupt because you know that there is no way back, but the poison… it's going to take it's sweet time to take over… and you are left with no choice but to bear the anguish.

I want to dance before I die.

Tonight, I want to dance…for once without the ‘distraction’ factor, please.


Thursday, February 21, 2008


"I met him this Valentine.I remember:-

...they feasted on his humiliation as he watched her walk away.It was a proposal , a fair proposal and she refused .
They laughed and forsaken he cried inside.The carcass of his love laid still somewhere inside his heart as he tried dragging it to some corner where he could watch it rot and decompose.That would give him a scar, never to forget and ignore,that would help him stop repeating the mistake.
The flowers were silent,there cries smothered by the indecent clamoring.The stare to the sky, eyes cold as stone.There were pleads but also complaints in those eyes.He felt as if the sun would burn him to ashes,a strange burning sensation he felt clinging to his cheek and ears.The breathes turned shorter and the heart-beats sounded like thumps from some distant place. A long beep pierced his ears,from some unknown source,may be from within.He could feel his limbs move in their sockets,he could hear the leaves crumble beneath his feet,every sound was so clear but a strange numbness enshrouded him.The only day when he wanted to forget her...not ever to forgive her.

Every eye on him,his name on every lips;a misdemeanor for the world,an adventure for his friends,stupidity for her and a mistake for him.They tossed his love around like a cheap "thing" on the grape-vine.

That was the last day when he had let the world take over him.Everything has changed.

He is careless,laughs on himself,makes everyone laugh,has covered the scars with soot and cosmetics of his cynicism,has tore down the walls that had "Trust" written all over and has built a new one with "Hope" written on it,his tears are more deserving now.He bathes in sun ,plays in the rain,he wears the smoke and dust of the city ,walks are longer,the hum on his lips sound louder,the eyes- mischievous wanderers.He is "LIVING",he is breathing,he is fiZZing Inside...Just the fiZZ keeps him going."

The "he" is not me.For few minutes I put myself in "his" shoes and wrote this.
I love "him". :-)

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

In Love?

March 2, 1892
Dear Diary,
Today I fell in love.

These words compelled me to pick up this small gold-rimmed book from one of the shelves while roaming around in Borders the other day. But, these words were also the reason for me to put it down on the shelf after two seconds.

I wonder if we really know when we fall in love. How can the writer or the character be so sure of the exact time and date when she fell in love? Is it so easy to describe the most complex feeling one has in just two short words? You can't just get up one day and decide that you are in love or you are going to be in love. It just doesn’t work that way.

This is the biggest dilemma of the young adults of our age. We so badly want to associate with someone that we usually force ourselves to either fall in love with someone or to deceive ourselves in believing that we are in love with a particular person.

Falling in love or being in love is one’s life’s most important decision and experience. Usually life revolves around it—we revolve around that person. Why are we so hasty in making the most important decision of our lives? Why the first person who shows some care is the person we decide to spend our lives with? I do understand that it is hard to resist the care and kindness but we need to keep in mind that the consideration one is offering you might not be for forever. We need to understand that probably the other person is not as emotionally involved as we are.

A good relationship is the one in which both partners/spouses bring the best out of each other. A good relation is the one in which you not only have fun but you know (notice it's not “think”, it's "Know") you can count on one another for support. A relation where you can be a complete and total mess but the other is still willing to accept you and love you.

Do you see yourself pretending in front of your partner? Do you feel pressurized into doing something that you don’t really feel like doing? It can be something as simple as watching a particular type of movie or staying up late at night. Do you, at times feel that you are overly criticized or overly praised? Do you question their or your own credibility? Do you feel afraid that they will probably cheat on you if they had a chance? Do you think you can't be yourself in front of your partner most of the times? Have you faced certain times when you were not able to count on them or you didn’t feel comfortable doing so? If you answered YES to even one of these questions then let me tell you that there is something seriously WRONG with the relationship you are in.

Half of the time we know exactly how the other feels about us but we deceive ourselves into believing that everything is going well. Half the couples that I see breaking up, they will confess at one point or another that they knew for a long time that things were not going well.

Why are you so afraid? Is that person the only person who will ever love you? Are you afraid that you will never find love again? Is your self esteem so low that you are willing to put up with someone who really doesn’t care about you? The person who has left you when you needed them the most or worse yet, left you for someone else and you are still crying over it? Why are you so pathetic? I am not willing to cry over people who have treated me badly and neither am I going to stick around in a relationship which doesn’t give both of us happiness. The ultimate goal of life is Happiness. We are with a person because he makes us happy and because we make them happy; if you are not happy there is no point. It's better to live alone and free than put up with an idiot for the rest of your life.

…And love, I've come to understand, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day. It is not a NEED. It is not a WANT. It should never be those things. I am sure we all are better than that.

Stop. Think. Evaluate.
It's about time you do or you will cry for the rest of your life.


Sunday, February 17, 2008

ThankU for the roses! They were very pretty.

All of that started almost a year earlier. We had been in the same college. I was two years senior to her. Even though we were exchanging text messages for almost a month then, that was the first time I called her on her cell phone.

“Hi, when is your birthday?” I asked her. “I was just updating my contact book.”

“Oh, my birthday was just a few days back, you are late.” She replied coyly.

“Won’t you will have a birthday next year,” I persisted.

So she told me her birth date and I hung the phone.

A lot of things had happened between us in the next eleven months. The first seven months were great but the last four months were like hell for me. We had not talked even once during those four months of our estranged relationship. But I still believed, after all its not whether love takes you to hell or to heaven, important thing is that you are transformed by it.

I was not sure, if I should call her to wish ‘Happy Birthday’. I had two days to decide. It was Saturday and her birthday was on Monday.

As usual, while sorting my mailbox, I saw an interesting email. Let the stars decide was its subject. It was from some tech-startup that generates random numbers for you. The important thing was that they generated the numbers using cosmic rays.

That sparked my blue sky thinking. Don’t think I’m a day dreamer, but then, my first meeting with her was a true serendipity. And both of us believed in our dreams.

I knew the locality where she lived but not the exact address. I would generate a random number using this cosmic connection and use that number as the house number in the address, and send her the flowers. Even though the chances that she will get those flowers were very less, I should go with it. Why should I decide, let God decide it, I thought. And what would be more romantic, than finding, that there exists a cosmic connection between you and someone.

On Sunday, I placed an order for Jewels of the Sea – an elegant creation of white roses and pearls. On Monday, I went to office, but all I could think of was whether she received the flowers or not. I was not able to concentrate on my work there, so I came back to home and spent rest of the day reading all what we had exchanged in the our better days.

Three days had passed, and still I didn’t knew whether the flowers were delivered or not. Actually I started believing that they were not delivered. That is the end of it, I thought. No cosmic connection exists between us and I will not pursue this anymore.

On Thursday evening, she wrote back.

“ThankU for the roses! They were very pretty.” is all that she wrote.

All love stories are the same.

Valentines Day

Oh… Its valentines day. Happy valentines day… I cheered my neighbour friend next door. All dressed in Red, instructed all at home to dress in red, I stepped out beaming with pride looking around if anybody else is in red attire – atleast some shades of red somewhere visible on people – only to find out it’s there only on the company badge tag on few while others did dress to kill. Never mind. I thought. As the day unfolded, I got to know what others are doing for Valentines Day. A couple who are married for quite some time took out time from the hectic schedule to meet up for lunch. Even that came as a surprise to the husband when wife promptly lands at office just 2 minutes before the lunch time and tells him, “hey, lets go out for lunch. I’m here to pick you up”. This surely is one facet of love. Best of it all, wife also goes extra mile to change her hairstyle to look new – just to see that spark in the husband’s eye. I remembered, Pramoda saying “unconditional interest in someone is love”

Another friend couple waited till 12 midnight to cut cake and celebrate the Valentines Day with each other. What is commendable here is amidst the hectic schedule, both of them took time to go out of their way to buy the cake and gift to each other – on a weekday. For people who are working like zombies, that’s a big deal. Its then Neeru came to my mind. “Love is about sharing and giving. It’s about commitment and above all its all about being happy”.

It was lunch hour when I had two good friends coming to my desk to remind me that we had to make a trip to the cafetaria. Valentines day was “nothing” for one, while the other just smiled about the thought of it. “It is companionship, support and trust. It is standing together as 2 pillars and being the foundation of a life despite each other’s shortcomings” so feels Anu. These two friends have realised this thought quite evidently. They celebrate love everyday. Its not the occasion, but the situation for them that is required to express love.

I went on – exploring what love means to all these wonderful people whom I cal my friends. A great friend, another typical scorpion Mini Me (that’s how I cal her), tells me she can write an essay on love. She surely can, ‘cause only she knows to give love. Be it to her husband or to her son or to her near and dear ones or to her friends. Another friend Srini, who is rocking without any strings attached, feels love is all about sense of happiness and care. What a profound thought.

Still single and ready to mingle Deeps is so emotional about the concept of love. She feels “love is not an emotion but the existence. It’s the greatest power in the creation.”. Love, certainly is the most powerful feeling that is created – very similar to the democracy. Very rarely used.

How can I miss Supreme Consciousness to quote on love, who very aptly feels, a book has to be written when asked to define it. I’m surprised, our SC knows what love means, I sighed. I think nobody knows “that which doesn’t concern itself with definition is love” came this message from the far aamchi mumbai Meens.

Its been quite sometime, the smartest one of all, Archana is in love. Who better to define love than her. Without a second thought, she tells me “love is the feeling of belonging somewhere or to someone. It could be a person, city or anything under the sun”. Though it took a while to digest this heavy thought on love, it does make a lot of sense to me. I don’t think if anybody else is in love with Bangalore like I am. J

I headed back home after a really hard day’s work. While I ventured out all set to paint the town red, all that I learnt was love is in the eyes of beheld. A CEO in the making Anil is quite categorical when it comes to love. He says, “Love is different at different times. What might be definition when you are 25 and dating is different than when you are 34”. Thank god, I’m not 34 and love is all in the air. I have to just feel it. To put it even more symbolically, my valentine gifted me a bottle of perfume – thus the Valentine day ended with search for a definition for love.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Valentines Day: The Things We Do

My dear readers,
Unlike everyone else, today I would like to present to you the most celebrated day in an entirely different context.
Love, when sprinkled with some humor is the best treat.
Tell you what… these quotes are real life incidents… a life that I am a part of, that is. Some of these incidents are the you-have-to-be-there moments, nevertheless, they are bound to bring a smile on your face.

“I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.”
-Chris, on analyzing Valentine’s Day

Alyson: What are you guys doing for your residents at Valentines?
Rob: I suppose I am going to give them some candy with heart-shaped cards
Adhira: and condoms!
They will need it more than they'd need the candy... :-)
-Worries of a resident assistant

Raaji: Honey, I know you love my sweet, sweet voice but you would have to be satisfied with my fingers now
-Hanging up the phone and getting back to chatting.

Brian M.: You're gay.
Chris: Make me!
Joe: What do you say to that?! It's flawless!
-Normal conversations

Raaji: I have a big news for you!
Nishan:(very excited) You broke up? YES!
Raaji: No (serious face)
Nishan: Oh! (sad face)
-abrupt changes

Raaji: Megs, can I kick your boyfriend?
Megs: oh, please go for it.
Raaji: thanks.
-Normal conversations in all seriousness :-)

“Hey I have standards too when it comes to dating girls. I would like girls from tan to brown”
-Nishan, on dating standards

"Imagine all the worst parts of the Bible that you have ever heard, multiply these by ten, and then pretend it's real."
-Justin, on the wrath of his girlfriend

Raajii: So, how is your lady?
Nishan: I don’t know, she likes me but we are still just friends.
Raajii (seriously): Don’t worry, its just a matter of time.
(I don’t know why he just cracked up and after laughing for a good 5 min...)
Nishan: I love your confidence. Bless you!

Sarah: Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight...
Jess: You can stop right there. It's not going to happen.
Sarah: Why not?
Jess: Because that's Saturn.
Sarah: DAMNIT!
-During a walk, a night before Valentines

Raajii (While eating ice-cream at 2am and rambling): I am not going to call. I am sure he can make a lousy phone call on one lousy day. Like come on now, how hard is it to remember that!
(making a face) Hey, there is no other flavor of ice-cream in this thing. He said there would be more flavors!
Faz (listening patiently): Ahh... the things that bother Raajii....

"Come for the coffee.... stay for the ladies...."
-on the board in our 7th street Cafe :-)


Thursday, February 14, 2008

As Perennial As The Grass

As I walked through the forest of life in search of the perfect flower, the first flower that I chanced upon was the rose. It was exquisite and elegant. It was rich and charismatic. It was delicate and charming. It was not meant for the ordinary. It was made for someone special. This is the flower I had been looking for all my life! My heart soared to great heights. What more could someone ask for. It could not get more perfect than this. It was my first love.
Day and night, I wove dreams of togetherness with this love. The thought that I would possess it forever made me so happy, I thought I was becoming insane. My search had come to an end.

As I moved closer to it, the rose eluded me. I eventually realized that the rose was not made for me. What a disappointment it was. How would I live without it? I wept in grief at my loss. I wept for several days. I had loved and lost.
It left behind a void in my life which no one else could ever fill. First love is never forgotten. I would never love again with this intensity for no one else could be as perfect as this one. It was the only one of its kind…

Holding on to my dream with utmost tenacity, I continued walking through the forest, not caring to notice my surroundings, but imagining that I would find the rose again. I said to myself consolingly “The rose and I have a future together, for otherwise, the encounter would never have happened”.

After several miles of journey, when my memory of the rose had faded, when my wounds had healed, when the blood had dried, I met another flower. The Jasmine. The fragrance of it permeated the air, filling the surroundings with a sweet scent. Yet it did not stand out, but merged in perfect harmony with its environment. I was drawn towards it. It contained enough sweetness in it’s womb to diffuse it’s aroma throughout the forest, and yet it practiced a quiet reticence. It could afford to be loud and proud but it practiced such humility, lending itself as a string of flowers to a youthful maiden who would decorate her hair with it and at the same time, offering itself in innocent submission to a priest, who would place it at the feet of a deity in a temple. I had not known anyone so modest. I was in love again.

How mistaken had I been in thinking I would never love again. Not only did love happen but the intensity was the same this time. I knew, for I had experienced it before. My heart soared once again. It could not get more perfect than this. It was the only one of its kind. My search had come to an end this time.

But as I moved close to it, it eluded me. I moved closer and it was gone. My heart bled. It hurt with the same intensity, but this time it was a familiar pain. I had gone through it before. Ah! What a tantalization! There is no greater cause of distress in life than the cause of unrequited love. My faith in the permanence of my hard luck was restored. I would never love again for no one would replace the love of jasmine in my heart.

I moved on. It was a tiring expedition through a rough terrain of thorns and shrubs, creepers and climbers. There was no sign of respite, no fountains and no springs. As I walked, I saw a flower the name of which I do not know. It was a wild flower. There was nothing remarkable about it. It was neither rich in colour not did it have a fragrance. It simply existed in a natural uncultivated state. What I liked about it was that it did not care to defend its position. It did not try to give a justification. It had an untamed, undomesticated, unbashful disposition which I found very intoxicating. It was simple, candid and uncomplicated. Living in abandon, carefree as the winds, it drew me towards itself.

Now I was annoyed at myself for feeling this way about something so primitive and uncultured. What had happened to my taste? Was it desperation that led to this feeling? Should I settle for something so unrefined?

When I look back at the journey, I am surprised at myself. When I began my journey I was looking for something spectacular, I was looking for aristocracy, exquisiteness which I found in the rose, but as I moved on, I valued the humility and modesty of the jasmine. I was impressed with the care freeness of the wild flower. Have I lost the very purpose of the search that I had begun? Have I become less choosy or have I matured as a human, and has my perspective changed?

I became introspective. I looked back in retrospection. A realization was the outcome of my contemplation.

On an impulse when I compare the rose and the jasmine and the wild flower, I observe, not that one was better than the other but that, each one was as perfect and as complete as the other. Loving one was as ecstatic as loving the other. The loss of one was as painful as the loss of another.

The roots of my beliefs are now shaken. They say that love happens only once and they say that first love is never forgotten. I believed them. But now I wonder. Is there any truth in these? Perhaps they are nothing more than seeds of thoughts implanted in the society by wise men with ulterior motives.

There are no wounds that time cannot heal, nothing that cannot be forgotten. Time does not forgive anything or anyone.

Perhaps the only truth is that love is unconditional. You don’t need a reason to love. You don’t need a perfect flower either. It never really is the last time. For the heart is an inexhaustible resource of an endless supply of love. It needs to bestow this love upon someone. If it contains or withholds this love within itself, then it suffers. It dies under its own weight.

I now stand disillusioned.
The heart will soar and plunge again and again. It will explode in ecstasy, weep in despondency, go through silent suffering, rejoice in fulfillment, wriggle (squirm) in desperation again and again not because the flowers of the forest are irresistible, but because love itself is perpetual, like the seasons that come and go, year after year.

Love may elude you once but it will beckon you again. Do not be cynical about love for it is as perennial as the grass. It can happen to anyone, at any time and many times. And every time it is as fulfilling, as refreshing, as perfect as it was the last time. You will love the rose, the jasmine, the wild flower and many more cause love is perennial and perpetual.

Love prevails as long as the journey. You cannot define it’s boundaries. You cannot describe it using parameters. You don’t know when the search began and you cannot say that it has come to an end. For all you know just around the corner there may be that special flower waiting for you.

As I continue my walk through the forest of life, I now find myself standing before the sacred Lotus in the midst of sparkling waters!
My heart soars once again. Even though I try hard not to, I cannot help believing that this is the most perfect of them all. This is the flower I was looking for. It is unlike anything I have seen before and there never will be anything like this ever after.

My search has come to an end and I find myself moving close to it!!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Laws Of Attraction, did they say?

Well, there are none. And I'm not adding an 'I think' or 'according to me' because that's just the way it is. And not all things need surveys and analyzes to prove them. At least this one doesn't. Feel like arguing? Ask yourself. Today, someone makes you feel nothing. The next day, you feel you're nothing without them. And he/she isn't the super hottie or the perfect person you always dreamt of, and still so much better than that. Whether for a few months or years, or even mere moments. Its just the 'connection', and if you thought you could attribute it to similarities in interests or philosophies, you are wrong... in most cases, your subject of admiration and adoration thinks very differently from you in every way, perhaps.

Seduction, courting, impressing, splurging... they don't really work in the end, do they? Nor does converting that one-off fling into a full fledged relationship. Just like the 'perfect' match you find on that matrimonial site often fails to arouse the tiniest spark, no matter how 'cultured' and ideal in theory. The brands on the body and the words on their lips also fade out after a point. Make-up wears out. The macho mask falls. Magazine tips and 'expert' tricks don't seem to work.

Because in the end, love isn't about being smart. It isn't about trying to answer questions. It isn't to fit in or fill in. It isn't always an evolution of friendship or the assumption of its impossibility. It isn't about mind-reading or heart-feeding. Sweet nothings have nothing so sweet about them, after all.

You have been loving since years now. Still, there are times you feel totally devoid of that very feeling which built the life you're leading today, with the very person you know you can't lead it without. The next moment, your minutes old 'important' preoccupation seems all insignificant and meaningless. And you're surprised at how you just can't get yourself to feel equally passionate about that person and your prized profession at the same time.

Maybe there are some out there whose hearts, minds and bodies are perfectly synced, in absolute harmony with the subconscious and unconscious, but for the rest of us, this puzzle will always remain unsolved.

And if 'laws of love' indeed exist, why is it that they are impossible to follow? Why are most affairs clandestine and perfidious? Aren't laws supposed to make life easier and more organized in the end? Why is it that these norms, mistermed 'laws', always seem to oppose and kill? Why is it so difficult to discipline love? Simply because it isn't meant to be!

Why else does a lover, suffering in unrequited love, come out and love again, even in betraying a love he thought he could never forego for anything else in the world? Not because he allows himself that, but because there is an inexplicable combination of factors that allows him to allow himself that liberty.

Anyway, questions & questions everywhere, without an answer to find, for love is not to deliberate upon, but to free the mind!

Somehow, these lines (originally written for cinema) from one of my favorite magazines, First City, quite sum up what I wish to say...

Maybe it is best left a mystery. Why look for logic in magic? Surrender. Let the show go on.

Love...all around!!!

Kya yaar !!! Every time someone asks someone to write about love then all that someone gets is words full of pain,desperation,rejection dejection,complication,suffocation and yes (How can I miss that word !) frustration.Love is not that bad ,is it?


"...I.G.Park(Bhubaneswar) or Indira Gandhi park named after Indira Gandhi (of-course !).Its a green park (Idiot ! Parks are always green !)...Ok.Its a good park (Better !) and its said that Indira Gandhi gave her last speech right here.

Enough with the history.Lets quickly move on to Sociology part.Now you won't be surprised at all if I say that over the years this park has slowly metamorphosed into a sprawling nestling of some sort for the love-birds(educated college going love-birds !).And over the years the number of Uncle-Aunty-Chunnu-Munnu pariwaars visiting the park has greatly reduced coz Uncle doesn't want Chunnu to practise his curiosity near the bushes.
The last time he tried ,he gave a shout of Eureka and claimed that he had discovered Doodhwaale Bhaiyaa and Kaanta Baai playing hide and seek behind a shrubbery.Uncle was embarrassed.

Few intellectuals and poets tried encroaching the coves of these love birds.Armed with paper and pen and heavy thoughts they helped themselves on the benches and this act of arrogance forced the love-birds to seek shelter near the bushes and behind the dustbins.

Valentine Day is knocking on the back door (Everyone in my city celebrates Valentine in a Clandestine manner !!! SO backdoor.)And florists are busy tying up bouquets,the bakeries are rustling with orders(someone told me that they are so filled with heart shaped cakes that even the birthday kids are managing by cutting heart-shaped cakes with I L U candles over them.) The boys have already started gelling there hair up and the girls are making a bee-line in front of beauty parlours-places that sell self-esteem.The movie theaters are booked ,corner seats special demand.
(They just hope every seat was a corner seat.But sorry,even Euclid can't design such a theater.)

Uncle-Aunties have started hiring raju-pappu ,kids from the neighborhood ,to spy for them.They will get 10 rupyah for every correct information and a free ticket to the "Where were you?Its so late ." show starring Uncle and his naujawaan ladka.

SO we were in the park rite?As the Cupid is brushing his fur and sharpening his arrow the Khaki shorts waale bhaiyaas are sharpening there tongues and are busy collecting stones to huck them at the gift shops.
But no one can disturb them in a park.Coz that's a place where the birds flock together.With Gajju hawildaar doing his beats with his trusted laathi,no one can touch them.Coz he has a soft corner for them.(His story,next time)

The bronze statuette of Indira Gandhi stares over them and they bare there secrets infront of each other.As the sun slowly dips behind the tall buildings, the parking lot fills with the clamour of bikes fighting for space.Its a rush to get to the loneliest corner and the farthest bench and the lucky ones who get there become the objects of jealousy for the rest of the evening.

The whispers,the giggles,the laughters,the snuggles...ahhahhahhaaa ! The impatiently waiting boy,doing a to and fro ;the girl with a sweet anger on her face,checking her watch every minute;the hopeful auto-wallahs waiting for the boy to see her off and vroom into the city so that they could wheel her to her house/hostel with double the charges !Everyone's happy.The chaat waallah,the ice-cream wallah,the phone booth wallah,and a silly blogger...Happy!
(Cut it short ! Its getting too long! Don't test the reader's patience)
So as the evening slowly totters into the darkness, our love-birds spread their wings and return to their "real" nests.A painful last look exchanged,a promise to meet again the next day,assurance for the late night call and then bbye !!!


Monday, February 11, 2008

I Surrender

I give up. After struggling with sleep for two hours or so, I can’t fight anymore. I don’t want to even try to sleep now.
I give up.
Just take me, because I give up.
You win, I lose.
I am guilty. Punish me.
I am guilty of loving you. I am guilty of fighting it. I am guilty of suppressing.
I miss you... terribly.

Words ache, fingers tremble and my mind is flustered. Please put some sense into me. I keep on falling for the glitters in search of the gold. No matter how much I deny it, the truth is that you are the gold. This gold is right in front of me yet it is so far away. I can feel it; I cannot touch it. I can hold it; I cannot embrace it.
I love it.
… and I don’t want to fight it anymore.

I give up. Please take my hand and take me to the land far away…. to the place you love, to the time you cherish.

Please put some sense into my mind. Please take me. I look up to you for answers... for you have all the answers. You always had my answers.


Thursday, February 7, 2008

And we talked...

Last hours of the midnight strolled by as I watched my mobile carelessly fiddling with the screensaver.The deftness of my thoughts made me walk through the strange avenues where I hadn't even tried toddling.Different thoughts,few lines from some half read story,few stolen emotions from the past ,all mixed up ,trying to go candid on the paper.The husky voice of Bryan Adams flooding every part of my ear.
Suddenly, everything came to a screeching halt,the mobile buzzed.A name flashed on its screen and it restlessly pleaded me to help it kill its tremble.Something else was restless somewhere,deep inside my heart.

The name I never thought would appear on the screen.
"Should I pick up the phone?What will she say?Or should I let the ring die after a while?".A thousand questions stumbled upon each other but my hands went for the phone and with a strange arrogance and authority they pushed the "receive" button.

"Hello",she said."How are you?".
Don't know what made me blabber out like a mad boy,"Ahaaa ! Madam,You gettin time after so many days?.So what made you call now?",a childish complain in my tone and she laughed.
What was happening to me?I was supposed to cry,I was supposed to feel my heart tear apart.How could I be so normal?Wasn't she the one who gave me all the pain?

The figments of a forsaken dream appeared like dead leaves in spring but I ignored them,I let them disappear.Some pages turned by themselves,but strangely looked new to me.I didn't remember the lines anymore.I brushed aside the past and tried to convince the present that I was there with it.

And we talked,talked like old days.She hung up after her familiar "bubye".
My eyes felt the mist...not much they could do,just were able to gather up a single drop of tear.I was strong.I am stronger.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Space...In Love

Love is allowing the other to be the way the other is...

Yes, I did not need to and yet I went to Esprit showroom which had opened newly in my city, and blew up a big fat four figure amount. Another cotton frock, in yet another hue of brown was added to the already huge pile of single-piece cotton dresses. A few t-shirts and a pair of jeans made its way into the already cramped wardrobe. I had given in to this ridiculous, mindless extravagance after a good five months this time. The days in between were so whole with work and children that I had had no time to shop. That particular day I was feeling low and Esprit seemed to be a good mood-lifter.

The shopping bag was supposed to be stacked away with clothes placed in their respective sections. But I was too excited on my new purchase and wanted to share my find with him. And so the bag stood there in all its red glory (Esprit bags are red in colour and so attract immediate attention). It was the first thing which my husband noticed as he walked in after a hard day's work. Avoiding the usual, 'Hi' he screamed, "Where do you think you will put them? Is there any space left? Or would you discard the ones which you have already worn once to make space?"

His tone pierced me right through, even though I knew his reaction was justified. All my excitement at what he thought of what I had picked, fizzled out. I became quiet. A few minutes later his anger calmed down and he felt apologetic and tried to make it up to me. He tried to make conversation. "How was your day?" "You know I struck a particularly good deal today". I answered in monosyllables. I wanted to sound warm, interested as I am at his return, but I could not bring myself to.

Over the dinner table, he said, "I am sorry for spoiling your mood". I said, "I am sorry too, for I know you are not wrong in telling me what you did".

We had made up, yet my mood for the day was gone. I knew that I must become normal; I was not angry or upset with him or myself but I just did not want to be chatty, exchanging the news of the day as we usually did. Instead, I said, "Let us go for a movie?" We went for a late-night English thriller, munched popcorn, ate an ice-cream, came back and slept.

In the morning he left for his morning jog and I got down to my yoga. At the breakfast table I started of, "You know I met the most amazing woman yesterday…..".

Love is allowing the other the time the other needs to get back...

- Raksha Bharadia

Raksha Bharadia is an Ahmedabad-based author. Her first book Me: A Handbook On Living has helped many find inspiration and understand themselves better. Her second book Roots And Wings - A Handbook For Parents will be out soon for all parents to benefit from.

Distant Dreams!

The whistle blew! The first, the second and the third, slowly the train started moving on and everything seemed rushing back. She was walking slowly towards her door.

A big smile carved out of his lips. She seemed darker than her actual complexion, her mascara and kohl had smudged and she appeared as a dark, petite figure. All of a sudden, he felt glorious. She felt cheated and lost. To him it seemed like his brain was emptied of all thoughts, the blood rushing in his veins had evaporated like water and not a drop was left, and his heart had stopped the regular lullaby of lub-dub. She walked like a directionless figure, gripped by her thoughts, chained by love, her heart squeaking for care and her tired body screaming for rest. For many others, this emptying feeling might have roused a concern regarding their health, but he had always been a free man. She felt all the more passionate for him and more then life it was him that she desired. Marriage and customs were not meant for him! She wished, she prayed, he would return. At last, he was free! She felt haunted and desolate like a barren desert.


I've not yet seen my (only) niece Riya, in person. And it'll be an year before i could actually meet her and take her into my arms...

Yet, not a single day has passed since she's born that i haven't seet her snaps... or her video.. To add to it, her current snap is the wallpaper on both my comp and my mobile phone...

I really wonder, is it because she's my first niece, or she's my niece, or she's just like a cute l'il baby seen in every baby soap ad, or is it because of her that i became "aatya" (paternal aunt) for the first time?! Or is it because before she was born, me and her mother used to discuss the names and clothes and colors on the walls for her?

Sometimes you just love somebody unconditionally.... How else could i describe my feeling for this little angel.. without even meeting her...

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Moving on...

Anand is typing away the code to glory, the deadline for code delivery is not over for another 3 hours. He thinks that in another 45 minutes he shall be done.

After patting himself on the back for beating the deadline, it is time to relax and maybe chat a while with friends. In the last couple of years, his online presence has taken over the remaining social life he had. However, Anand didn't mind it, for work drove him and he avoided attempts to indulge in deep friendships or relationships for the fear of goodbyes.
He opens the browser and visits Orkut, its blocked on the company internet, but then a good geek always knows his way around that. On the Orkut homepage, he browses through the recent visitors section and pauses.
Almost immediately, he feels uneasy and has an urge to move away into a shell of his own.
A moment later, he starts thinking of how irrelevant his existance and feelings had been to her.
It was an unrequited love of his engineering days, which he beleived had died with time. Although he did think of her at times, he still liked to believe that he had moved on.
It was the first day at college when he had noticed this simple looking cherubic girl scared enough to be away from home. Luck had it, she was also in the same branch of engineering, they hit off very well as friends. Anand then didn't realise that this friendhip turned to love soon. However, she had amazing instincts and could detect the change, vary of the future she distanced herself from him.
Anand remembered the day he finally professed his feelings to her,'I know that you have an idea about how I feel about you, but I need to tell it to you that I love you, else I shall regret it forever...' As expected, the reply was not affirmative.
Life has moved on, job happened and success arrived. Today he can see that she had visited his profile on Orkut yesterday. She remembered him...but then she is already married and has a kid now.
Anand couldn't stop asking himself What if things were different, what if she would have loved him the same way he had loved her...what if!
This chain of thought broke up when an Instant Messenger window popped up suddenly, with his boss reminding him of the status meeting. Yes life has moved on, but perhaps he couldn't and maybe never will.

Its Just Those Rainy Days...

Mischievous rain drops trickling down the window pane woke her up late one night. Still half asleep she lazily shoved the blind with one hand and peeked outside. It was still dark and raining heavily. She could make out the outlines of the street lights and ups and downs of the pathways through the dense raindrops.

Then, all of a sudden, her gaze froze at the scene. She looked outside and a weird sensation surrounded her. She couldn’t bear to see the lovely rain any longer. She tossed the window blind back into place and put her head back on the pillow. Sleep was far from her eyes then. They were wide open.

It was a the same window, the same rain and the same view except that it had been closer to dawn. There was some light outside, as the sun was struggling to come out from behind the clouds and the rain made everything look all the more beautiful and mesmerizing. She was lying on his chest with one of his arms around her and the other holding the blind up to see the rain.
He was dead quiet looking outside the window. Her eyes were closed. She wondered what he was thinking or if he was thinking anything at all. She was too afraid to ask. She didn’t.

“It's raining now,” he finally broke the silence.

God, how better can this night get… she thought and smiled.

After lazily opening her eyes, she took the scene in. With him it seemed so comforting... so perfect. She wanted to take it all in. She tilted her head for a moment to inhale his fragrance and kissed his chin.

“It's so beautiful, isn’t it?” he asked.

“Of course, it is,” she replied.
Then with mischief she said, “I wanna go out and run around in the rain with you.”

“Like this?” he smiled.

“Well, I wouldn’t mind throwing on some clothes before going out,” she chuckled.

They both laughed.

She planted another kiss on his bare chest. His grip tightened around her.

After subsiding a lump in her throat she said,

“I love you”

He sighed.

A moment later he started to caress her hair. She was already tired. Her eyes started to close again. He snuggled in and closed his eyes as well. They slept for a couple more hours before finally getting up.

She took a deep breath coming back to the present, feeling every sensation, every emotion all over again from that night. She was lying on the same bed listening to the same sound of the rain drops from the same window. She was filled with no regrets, no questions—just emotions. Too many intense emotions.

She was just thinking.... how weird it was to have memories of the moments that were never hers.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

A Mail from Cupid !

Dear Tapas,

Before I start pouring over you my sorry fate, please help your eyeballs through these messages:-

Conversation-1 :

Loving the "body".

"Oh my love ,I love your hair so much.Just give me some time and I am sure, by the end of the year I will reach your heart.Till then-I am so in love with your hair."
"Honey,I know.But make it quick coz there's someone else who loves my eyes and he is moving really fast.And by the way your six packs have reduced to four,that guy is trying for 8-packs !!! "


Loving the "brain".

"I love my boyfriend so much.Do you know ,he is an IITian !"
"Hah ! Mine is in Philadelphia doing some research ."
"Oh ! You are so lucky.Your love is "better" than me."


Loving the "style"

"Cool man ! Your gurl's so cool.At least she knows the rite way to sit on the bike.Meri waali feels so embarrassed!She sits at least 10 inches back.Sometimes I forget if someone is on the seat or not.Ask ur girl to give her some lessons,may be on her scooty. "

No offense meant but this is what I found out .Love has turned into more of a status tag rather than a feeling.Every one has taken the matter into their hands.The only use that I have figured out for my arrows is to scratch my back,but drat !they are so soft that it takes almost 5 minutes to kill that damn scratch of mine.Last time when I logged into Amazon,I found one of my arrows being auctioned. I didn't bid coz they looked so old and unused.(I had logged in to buy some new fluffies for my wings.The pollution and dust have made them so dirty .I thought it would be cheaper for me than getting it couriered from heaven.)

Now tell me .What am I supposed to do?Now sorry for whatever I did to you.Take it easy,Ok?Just help me get through this dry patch.

First they kicked me out of U.S.,then U.K. and now you guys are throwing me out.I tried moving Down-under and visited Australia but my heart didn't like the place specially after the reactions that a guy named Symonds gave to me...uunh! He was such a Monkey !

I tried going hi-tech and hovered for some time over the I.T.Parks of Bangalore.But before I could work some magic I saw the mobiles beep and love blip-blopped like anything.These SMSs are so fast.I really like lighting the first flames of know,those serendipitous meetings and the "love at first sight"s are all part of my master plans.But damn these Yahoo and gmail.And I have taken the max beating from those social networking sites.
Networking my left foot !A few chats,few pics exchanged(some are morphed) and they say they are "made for each other".

I think my time is over in India.Or may be I will join these Khaki-shorts waala chaps.They are nice chums.They care so much for me.They know what true love means.Last time I conversed them,they were planning to ransack some cyber-cafe`s.I will manage with their hollering and morning oath taking ceremonies.Or I will report back to God and ask Him to give me some other department.If you have any suggestions then reply.
For your convenience I have opened some email accounts and an Orkut account too.
you will surely find the IDs familiar.;
Orkut-I prick wid ARROWS !

Sorry,I pricked you a bit harder.
Your friend


PS: Please try replying before 14th of this month.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Yes.I loved...

Where was I? Why is there so much silence? I missed this place.I know,lost I was in a world of lies.Thought it would be a one way street but never imagined that I would be walking back...alone.Its even more shattering when I find my past linger like a haze in front of me.I wished to go to heaven, but I should have thought for once-"you need to die to go to heaven".

The congealed scent of love is slowly fading,the sanguine blood has turned dark;crushed beneath a strange guilt I try to embrace pain ...may be that will tell me if I am alive.The tears still ask my faith a thousand questions.
I want to hold my body,I want to love myself.So much pain it took,so many scars it has now.It shivered like a lonely child ,crying for that warmth.And there was no one to swaddle me.The white trail of tears glistening like a dried rivulet of pearls on my cheeks.I want to live now.Live like I have never before.

It hasn't changed much,I can still catch-up.The rain waited so long to drench me;I won't keep you waiting now.The songs are playing ,the same way I had left them;am waiting for the next crescendo and I will join in.The dappled sun rays on my face ,embracing my countenance.The gentle breeze slowly making the last tear feel like a dew drop.Eyes still hurting but bear a broken smile.I can feel my touch now,the way I used to run my hand over my face.I can feel my feet now,they blades of grass kissing them.
Listen ,someone is trying to mutter something...its slowly beating....who is it?Stupid me !Its my heart,its so close to me.It was always there.Sorry,I lost you in my madness.
My small room is breathing with me.Waiting for the night when we will talk with each other and we will look for the dreams to knock on the door.And then the silence will sing a lullaby for us.I missed that lullaby.
I missed you life.Forgive me...Embrace me with all your heart.All I want to see is you.All I want to live is you.All I want to feel is you.Forgive me.I love you life...I will keep the promises I made to you.I will.Just don't give me those prejudiced eyes...I feel guilty...

"Its awfully simple to fall in love but its simply awful to fall out of it"

A Letter to my Angel!

Other men said they have seen angels,
but I have seen thee
and thou art enough.
~ G. Moore ~

Dear Angel,

When I looked up in the dictionary to find the meaning of ‘angel’, I found these definitions-

· ‘a spiritual being superior to humans in power and intelligence’;

· an attendant spirit or guardian’,

· ‘a person like an angel (as in looks or behavior),

· ‘one (as a backer of a theatrical venture) who aids or supports with money or influence’.

I think that you, my angel, is all of the above, yet your simplicity and down to earth attitude is what charms me the most. You have been so affectionate towards me and I wanna thank you for that. You have been my ‘umbrella’ and provided me with all security in this world. You have been unselfishly loyal and benevolently concerned about my well being and good. All in all, you have not only inspired me but also motivated me to do my best and follow my heart. You have given my confidence back and instilled the faith once again in me. And in return of all of this, you have never asked for anything in return…Definitely you are my angel!

I am just another girl and don’t have the wits and patience to match yours but all I can promise is all my care with all my heart. You are the personification of love for me and I adore you. I admire your optimistic outlook instead of all that you have been through. There are times when I behave irresponsibly, when I act awkward but your calm responses make me realize my felony. You so understand me that I not only rely on you but at times I even don’t need to utter a word. They say, artists are beautiful people but after knowing you I am sure of that.

I have told you this a lot many times before, but again I want to tell you-

"I love you my angel!"

Friday, February 1, 2008

This Valentine's Day!

As I wander through the gallery stores, I see the various gifts designed with the hearts. The cards, the teddy bears and the other materialistic things to show your affection to your love. Well, I believe you don't need to wait for the 14th February to show your devotion to that 'special' person in your life. But still, all those hearts in pink and red leave me depressed, because there was also someone in my life to who I would do anything. Just about anything!

And yes, I did. I let him go, for his own sake, partially. I let him go, because he wanted to, and then I realised it was more for my own well being. I never knew how was it to be alone on a Valentine's Day since I got to know what love or 'dating' is. And it wasn't so early in my life too. It was just about 2 years ago when I came to know what is it like to have someone by my side. Someone who'd be so loving!

Everyone has a right to be loved. Love other than the ardor of the relatives, no matter the race, age or family background. And I was being loved too. But it wasn't for long. He excused himself by saying, that things won't work out between us because of the major age difference we had. Anyway, looking at the red roses I feel someone could give them to me too. Someday, I tell myself. Someday, I will be one of those who have the special someone in their lives.

Now I feel so lonely. Though I have everyone, but still a part of me is still empty. And then, 14th February disturbs me even more because a day before that was the special day too, 13th February being his birthday. I wish I only wake up when these two days end. But to all those people who are lucky enough to have a Valentine, my advise to you, "Don't ever let go anyone who you adore, because love is hard to find." And to those people who think they are unlucky like me, I'd say, "Let love find us."

A Lucid Dream

What is happiness to you? I wonder.

If you ask me what happiness is, I would tell you that happiness is right in this very moment. This moment, which is beautiful and pure. This very moment when you sit right next to me, with your legs crossed, and eyes focused on your notebook in your lap. Your mind thinking about nothing but how to solve the logic problem you are working on. You scratch your head from time to time and pinch the pencil in your teeth while drowning yourself deeper into thoughts. A frown appears on your forehead when you struggle with something or get annoyed by my peculiar way of typing and the key strokes causing distraction. I try not to cause any more distractions for you, as I am loving you this very moment- the way you are looking, the way you are sitting and the way various expressions come and go your face. I want this moment to last forever.

In every life there are moments that bring it definition.

It's strange how we have always been able to get comfortable with one another, like an old couple who know each other very well. They say, young love and friendships can’t stand the silence, it wants to talk, to do something, to keep itself busy and that is the only way they find to attract each other. However, when any relation matures, it doesn’t require those things to keep it interested. I tend to believe that we have reached that point or are getting there. I like it. It is more comforting than anything else. You might not think the same way but I like to fantasize, and no matter what you do or what happens, these fantasies can't really stop. I love you and I know I will always love you whether we stay together or not, whether we even see each other again or not.

Last night, I sneaked in just to watch you sleeping. I love it when you are fast asleep and I can have you all to myself. However, you did not seem to be at peace. I expected you to be but you weren’t. There was anger on your face accentuated with some pain and though you were fast asleep I could feel your body in a very uncomfortable state. I wonder if you ever sleep peacefully. May be you did once. I hope you do again. It hurts me to see you like that. I wish I could just absorb all your pain . I know we both do.

Peeking from behind the screen, I see you and this time you see me too. You wonder if I am sleepy, tired or just bored. I assure you that I am working and totally comfortable. I wish I could tell you how happy and satisfied I am at this moment because you are here. I wouldn’t ask anything more from you. I know you wouldn’t be able to give me that and, I know you won’t be able to give me these moments again either. Things are unpredictable. Things have always been unpredictable. That is why I want to see you and preserve this very moment in my memory forever because this is happiness for me.

I get a friendly pat on my head from you and suddenly I feel sleepy. Not because I am tired but I am at peace. It happens when you are around. Its the trust and comfort that have developed over the course of these miraculous years.

So, I will sleep. I will sleep in this happy moment, whispering under my breath those three little words,

“I Love You”.

Yes, I do.