Thursday, March 20, 2008

My Flesh, My Blood

Have you ever seen a ship drowning in the sea? When the violent sea tries to drown the ship, the ship protests. It pleads with the sea to give it another chance, just one more. The cries of the people aboard the ship drowned by the tempestuos fury of the lightning. Rain lashing out on the deck as the violent sea steers the ship in random directions. For an instant, it seems the angry sea is moved by the cries and has decided to let the ship live. But then the next moment, the surface of the sea swirls violently drawing the ship into it. The ship goes down silently, with everything it holds within, as if melting like ice into the mysterious icy depths and then it is lost forever. As it lies on the bed lifeless, what does the ship think about? What does it feel now that its saviour has destroyed it? The one for whom it existed is the reason it does not exist now. Does it ever forgive the sea? And does the sea ever forgive itself?

These are the thoughts that run past by mind as I am sitting in this isolated clinic looking at the vast blue sky through the small window. I have killed my child. Yes, my own child who had thought that the warm womb she was sleeping in was the safest place on earth. Her quivering lips which would have called me 'Ma' one day are now silent forever. Her tiny hands which would have held my hand and learnt to walk will now no longer move. Her tiny fluttering heart which beat in rythm with my heartbeat are now silent forever.

When the nurse came and asked me how I felt, what could I have told her? I didnt feel angry at myself for having given into that sonovabitch. I didnt feel weak having succumbed to the society. There was like an invisible barrier between me and my emotions. It was like emotions had left my body with my child. All I felt was a pain. A pain, as pure as moonlight, arising somewhere deep inside my abdomen. No painkiller could alleviate this pain. It was as if somebody was poking my wounds with a knife so that it hurt more and more. As if the remnants of the unborn child were cursing me from inside.The pain crawled through the spine into my head and was trying to burst it open. But I was not crying. Tears had dried long before.

As I went into the bathroom, the foetus was lying wrapped in a blood soaked white cloth on the floor. A tiny mass of flesh and blood, my flesh, my blood. Its tiny hands were suspended in air as if it wanted a hug from me. Would she ever forgive me? I would never forgive myself.

15 comments:

d SINNER!!! said...

grim..

hard hitting!

Anupama Kondayya said...

Powerful! I am short of words.

You have finally arrived Skeptic Saint! Welcome again...

debasish said...

I cud actually feel d pain, while reading d post.B'ful.

skeptic saint said...

@ neha

yup...it is

@ anupama

thnx :)

vEENs said...

Painful.

Very aptly portrayed..

GOOD Work.

I feel sad though!

Vandita said...

i could almost cry...
no words!

Sur said...

heart rending piece!

skeptic saint said...

@ sur

yeah bt the story goes on everywhere...

Pri said...

very strong emotions sketched here...:(
considering the foetus lying wrapped in a towel in the bathroom, looks like the termination was done by a quack...i dunno if u wanted to potray just that...
this post reminded me of a movie wch was screened at IIFI..it was called '5 mojnths 4 weeks and 3 days' (if i remember correctly).its a foreign language film and i watched it with english subtitles..have u seen it??

rebecca said...

my heart aches right now. what a raw, emotional piece! i'm speechless....especially, the symbolism of the first paragraph. i have to come back and reread this again. this was excellent. excellent!

skeptic saint said...

@ dave, veens, vandita

hey how come i didnt see ur comments before??? still..

@ dave

pain...yeah i m glad you felt it...

@ veens, vandita

there are these times when i m really sad when i write such posts... though i wld never want to make someone sad, bt still thats the thing i think i m good at... :(

skeptic saint said...

@ pri...

yeah i had intended that...did you know there was a news sometime back abt someplace where foetuses were buried and the residents found them when the dogs digged at them...sickening isnt it??? what doctor wld do such hineous crimes???

and yeah i m glad you mentioned the film...yeah i have seen it... its actually "4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days"...it was romanian... and yeah the last scene is inspired from the movie... i love foreign language films... have you seen amelie??? its wonderful...

skeptic saint said...

@ rebecca

thnx for mentioning the symbolism....yeah thats one of the main points of the post and i m so glad you liked that...

sheetal said...

very emotional n very real!!!
u r a very gud writer.
gr8 job dude.
from now onwards i m a big fan of ur writings.

Kavya said...

u seem to be atuned to the hard realities faced by the marginalized.. great work. honest.