Thursday, May 15, 2008

The Office

9:30 AM. A 'normal' day at work. In one corner of the office, it's Man vs. Machine.

Samir: Oh NO! Not again! Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam?!! I, I swear to God, one of these days, I, I, I just kick this piece of shit out of the window!!!

Michael looks up.

Michael: You and me both, man. The thing is lucky I'm not armed.

Samir grabs the paper out, tearing off the bottom part of it.

Samir: Damn! P-i-e-c-e of shit!!!

Nina, the local admin, saunters in carrying a stack of papers.

Nina: Sam...ire...Na...Na...Naga...

Samir gets it.

Nina: Uh-huh!

Samir: Please <gives a disgruntled look>

He sits in his and Michael's cubicle.

Nina: Michael.... - <Michael reaches for it> Bolton?

Michael: That's me.

Nina: WOW! Is that your real name?

Michael: Yeah.

Nina: So are you related to the singer guy?

Michael: No. No. it's just a coincidence.

Samir: How come no one in this country can pronounce my name right? It's Na-gee-een-ah-jah. Nagaenajar.

Michael: At least your name isn't Michael Bolton.

Samir: C'mon Michael, there's nothing wrong with that name.

Michael: There was nothing wrong with it! Until I was about nine years old and that no-talent assclown became famous and started winning Grammys.

Samir: Well, why don't just go by Mike, instead of Michael?

Michael: <'loud' whisper> WHY THE F*** SHOULD I CHANGE IT? HE'S THE ONE WHO SUCKS!!!

Peter comes up to their cubicle.

Peter: Hey Guys!

Michael: Yo! what's up man?

Peter: Let's get some coffee?

Samir: It's a little early...

Peter: I gotta get out of here. I think I'm gonna lose it.

Nina: Uh oh. <giggles> Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays!

Peter: Boy. I tell ya, one of these days... One of these days it's gonna be like...

He mimics a machine gun. Brian, a colleague from the Testing Team, does it too. In Peter's face.

Brian: <walks by> Oh. Sounds like a case of the Mondays!

Peter: <glancing around> That knucklehead's gonna have me work on Saturday too. I, I can tell already. I'm doing it because, because, uh, I'm a big pussy. Which is why I work here to begin with <shakes his head in despair>

Michael: Uh, I work here and I don't consider myself a pussy, ok?

Samir: Yup, I concur. Me no pussy either.

Michael: I'm gonna find out the hard way that I'm not a pussy if they don't start treating us techies better.

Samir: That's right.

Michael: They don't understand! I could come up with a program that could rip this place off big time…BIG BIG time.

Peter: Yeah.

Tom, another employee, runs towards Samir, Peter and Michael.

Tom: Hey! Hey, guys! Samir!!

Samir: Is that Tom Smykowski?

Peter: What's he doing?

Michael: Oh, probably working on another heart attack!

Tom: Have you guys seen this?

He hands them a piece of paper.

Michael: What? It's the staff meeting. So what, dude?

Tom: We're all screwed, that's what! They're gonna downsize this company.

Samir: Oh, what are you talking about Tom? How do you know that?

Tom: They're bringing in a consultant - that's how I know. That's what this staff meeting is all about! That's what happened at the other company a few months back. You have an interview with a consultant and they bring in efficiency experts. You're interviewing for your own job, man!!!

Michael: Tom, every week you say you're losing your job and you're still here...

Tom: <dejected look> I'm going to be the first one they're gonna lay off. Just the thought of having to go to the State Unemployment Office and having to stand in line with those scumbags!!!

The group gathers in Michael and Samir's cubicle, after a while. They sit there, worrying.

Michael: Shit. Shit!

Tom: You know there are people in this world who don't have to put up with all this shit? Like that guy that invented the pet rock. You see, that's what you have to do. You have to use your mind and come up with some really great idea like that and you never have to work again!

MIchael: I don't think the pet rock was really such a good idea.

Tom: Dude, the guy made a million dollars! Y'know… I had an idea like that once.

Peter: Really? What was it, Tom?

Tom: Well, all right. It was a Jump-to-Conclusions-mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor and it would have different conclusions written on it that you could…jump to.

Michael: That is the worse idea I've ever heard in my life, Tom!

Samir: Yes, yes, it's horrible…this idea….

Tom: Ah, look. I, I gotta get outta here. I'll see you guys later, if I still have a job.

He goes to his cubicle.

Peter: I remember, our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what we would do if we had a million dollars and didn't have to work. And invariably, whatever we would say, that was supposed to be our careers. If you wanted to build cars, then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.

Samir: So what did you say?

Peter: I didn't have an answer. I guess that's why I'm working here as a techie.

Michael: No, you're working here because that question is bullshit to begin with <the printer makes a whirring noise and stops working>. If that quiz worked, there would be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.

Samir: Well, I would invest half of it in...ummm ??? Mutual Funds. And donate the rest to some charity.

Michael: Samir, the point of the exercise is that you could figure out what you want to do. And then…<reads the printer's display> "PC load letter"?!! What the F*** does that mean?!!!

He knocks off the paper tray.

Peter: <addressing Michael> Chill dude, so what would you do if you had a million dollars?

Michael sits down.

Michael: I'll tell you what I'll do, man--Two chicks at the same time!

Peter & Samir snicker off.

Peter: That's it? If you had a million dollars, that's what you'd do...two chicks at the same time, huh?

Michael: Damn straight, man. I've always wanted to do that. I figure if I were a millionaire, I could hook that up. Chicks dig guys with money.

Samir: Well not all chicks...

Michael: Well, the type that double up on a guy like me do.

Peter: Good point!


Peter: Besides two chicks at the same time?

Michael: Oh yeah.

Peter: Nothing.

Michael: Nothing, huh?

Peter: I would relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.

Michael: You don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin. He's broke and he don't do shit.

Peter: Hmmm...<glances at his watch> Shucks! Its 11 already...damn! need to finish that last bit of coding and make those reports.

Samir: <staring at his flooded mail box> Phew whew!

Michael: Adios Amigo.

Peter: Aight guys...catch u at lunch...bye.

The printer starts working again.


Chaithanya Kamath said...

Office Space huh!!...niceee

ShAkE Inc. said...


A NoMAD said...

Can I sense a bit of 'wussy' wisco out there.. !?!! ;) :)

Hail ~

@nkur said...

Office space...i remember that movie..Charlie Sheen n Jennifer Aniston! Gud stuff.

ShAkE Inc. said...

he he...wisco? yes definitely! the moniker has stuck on, remember the good 'ol days when we were here!

yeah office space! my fav, no doubt! bt u hav mistook Ron Livingston with Charlie Sheen :p