Distractions

Partying. Drinking. Dancing. Flirting. That’s how it goes, right? That’s how we distract ourselves when love hurts or when love’s lost.

Loneliness. Anti-Social. Depression. Swollen Eyes. Regret. Sympathy—that’s the other side of the picture.

Sleek black dress, dark crowded room, club lights, loud music and men. A woman would do a lot to get away from the person who holds her heart. In the arms of another man, she smiles… she dances. She pretends that she does not care, that life is all good and she is having fun.
She dances until she is breathless. She dances until she realizes it's not working.
Who is she kidding?
It's a dangerous thing to fall in love, you know. It's a one way road with one hidden dead end. There are no exits and there are no U-turns. You are on it and that’s just it. Drive smoothly and just pray you don’t hit the dead end.

A woman who has fallen in love truly and entirely will never be able to get out of it—not completely—ever. They say, in the cycle of replacement, love is the only thing that cannot be replaced. There is no comfort. No distraction is able to make much of a difference.
It's like drinking poison. You know it's your system. You are slowly dying and there is nothing you can do about it. You are just waiting for you to end. You want it to be abrupt because you know that there is no way back, but the poison… it's going to take it's sweet time to take over… and you are left with no choice but to bear the anguish.

I want to dance before I die.

Tonight, I want to dance…for once without the ‘distraction’ factor, please.

-Raajii

In Love?

March 2, 1892
Dear Diary,
Today I fell in love.


These words compelled me to pick up this small gold-rimmed book from one of the shelves while roaming around in Borders the other day. But, these words were also the reason for me to put it down on the shelf after two seconds.

I wonder if we really know when we fall in love. How can the writer or the character be so sure of the exact time and date when she fell in love? Is it so easy to describe the most complex feeling one has in just two short words? You can't just get up one day and decide that you are in love or you are going to be in love. It just doesn’t work that way.

This is the biggest dilemma of the young adults of our age. We so badly want to associate with someone that we usually force ourselves to either fall in love with someone or to deceive ourselves in believing that we are in love with a particular person.

Falling in love or being in love is one’s life’s most important decision and experience. Usually life revolves around it—we revolve around that person. Why are we so hasty in making the most important decision of our lives? Why the first person who shows some care is the person we decide to spend our lives with? I do understand that it is hard to resist the care and kindness but we need to keep in mind that the consideration one is offering you might not be for forever. We need to understand that probably the other person is not as emotionally involved as we are.

A good relationship is the one in which both partners/spouses bring the best out of each other. A good relation is the one in which you not only have fun but you know (notice it's not “think”, it's "Know") you can count on one another for support. A relation where you can be a complete and total mess but the other is still willing to accept you and love you.

Do you see yourself pretending in front of your partner? Do you feel pressurized into doing something that you don’t really feel like doing? It can be something as simple as watching a particular type of movie or staying up late at night. Do you, at times feel that you are overly criticized or overly praised? Do you question their or your own credibility? Do you feel afraid that they will probably cheat on you if they had a chance? Do you think you can't be yourself in front of your partner most of the times? Have you faced certain times when you were not able to count on them or you didn’t feel comfortable doing so? If you answered YES to even one of these questions then let me tell you that there is something seriously WRONG with the relationship you are in.

Half of the time we know exactly how the other feels about us but we deceive ourselves into believing that everything is going well. Half the couples that I see breaking up, they will confess at one point or another that they knew for a long time that things were not going well.

Why are you so afraid? Is that person the only person who will ever love you? Are you afraid that you will never find love again? Is your self esteem so low that you are willing to put up with someone who really doesn’t care about you? The person who has left you when you needed them the most or worse yet, left you for someone else and you are still crying over it? Why are you so pathetic? I am not willing to cry over people who have treated me badly and neither am I going to stick around in a relationship which doesn’t give both of us happiness. The ultimate goal of life is Happiness. We are with a person because he makes us happy and because we make them happy; if you are not happy there is no point. It's better to live alone and free than put up with an idiot for the rest of your life.

…And love, I've come to understand, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day. It is not a NEED. It is not a WANT. It should never be those things. I am sure we all are better than that.

Stop. Think. Evaluate.
It's about time you do or you will cry for the rest of your life.

-Raajii.blogspot

I Surrender

I give up. After struggling with sleep for two hours or so, I can’t fight anymore. I don’t want to even try to sleep now.
I give up.
Just take me, because I give up.
You win, I lose.
I am guilty. Punish me.
I am guilty of loving you. I am guilty of fighting it. I am guilty of suppressing.
I miss you... terribly.

Words ache, fingers tremble and my mind is flustered. Please put some sense into me. I keep on falling for the glitters in search of the gold. No matter how much I deny it, the truth is that you are the gold. This gold is right in front of me yet it is so far away. I can feel it; I cannot touch it. I can hold it; I cannot embrace it.
I love it.
… and I don’t want to fight it anymore.

I give up. Please take my hand and take me to the land far away…. to the place you love, to the time you cherish.

Please put some sense into my mind. Please take me. I look up to you for answers... for you have all the answers. You always had my answers.

-Raajii

Distant Dreams!

The whistle blew! The first, the second and the third, slowly the train started moving on and everything seemed rushing back. She was walking slowly towards her door.

A big smile carved out of his lips. She seemed darker than her actual complexion, her mascara and kohl had smudged and she appeared as a dark, petite figure. All of a sudden, he felt glorious. She felt cheated and lost. To him it seemed like his brain was emptied of all thoughts, the blood rushing in his veins had evaporated like water and not a drop was left, and his heart had stopped the regular lullaby of lub-dub. She walked like a directionless figure, gripped by her thoughts, chained by love, her heart squeaking for care and her tired body screaming for rest. For many others, this emptying feeling might have roused a concern regarding their health, but he had always been a free man. She felt all the more passionate for him and more then life it was him that she desired. Marriage and customs were not meant for him! She wished, she prayed, he would return. At last, he was free! She felt haunted and desolate like a barren desert.

Its Just Those Rainy Days...

Mischievous rain drops trickling down the window pane woke her up late one night. Still half asleep she lazily shoved the blind with one hand and peeked outside. It was still dark and raining heavily. She could make out the outlines of the street lights and ups and downs of the pathways through the dense raindrops.

Then, all of a sudden, her gaze froze at the scene. She looked outside and a weird sensation surrounded her. She couldn’t bear to see the lovely rain any longer. She tossed the window blind back into place and put her head back on the pillow. Sleep was far from her eyes then. They were wide open.

It was a the same window, the same rain and the same view except that it had been closer to dawn. There was some light outside, as the sun was struggling to come out from behind the clouds and the rain made everything look all the more beautiful and mesmerizing. She was lying on his chest with one of his arms around her and the other holding the blind up to see the rain.
He was dead quiet looking outside the window. Her eyes were closed. She wondered what he was thinking or if he was thinking anything at all. She was too afraid to ask. She didn’t.

“It's raining now,” he finally broke the silence.

God, how better can this night get… she thought and smiled.

After lazily opening her eyes, she took the scene in. With him it seemed so comforting... so perfect. She wanted to take it all in. She tilted her head for a moment to inhale his fragrance and kissed his chin.

“It's so beautiful, isn’t it?” he asked.

“Of course, it is,” she replied.
Then with mischief she said, “I wanna go out and run around in the rain with you.”

“Like this?” he smiled.

“Well, I wouldn’t mind throwing on some clothes before going out,” she chuckled.

They both laughed.

She planted another kiss on his bare chest. His grip tightened around her.

After subsiding a lump in her throat she said,

“I love you”

He sighed.

A moment later he started to caress her hair. She was already tired. Her eyes started to close again. He snuggled in and closed his eyes as well. They slept for a couple more hours before finally getting up.

She took a deep breath coming back to the present, feeling every sensation, every emotion all over again from that night. She was lying on the same bed listening to the same sound of the rain drops from the same window. She was filled with no regrets, no questions—just emotions. Too many intense emotions.

She was just thinking.... how weird it was to have memories of the moments that were never hers.

A Lucid Dream

What is happiness to you? I wonder.

If you ask me what happiness is, I would tell you that happiness is right in this very moment. This moment, which is beautiful and pure. This very moment when you sit right next to me, with your legs crossed, and eyes focused on your notebook in your lap. Your mind thinking about nothing but how to solve the logic problem you are working on. You scratch your head from time to time and pinch the pencil in your teeth while drowning yourself deeper into thoughts. A frown appears on your forehead when you struggle with something or get annoyed by my peculiar way of typing and the key strokes causing distraction. I try not to cause any more distractions for you, as I am loving you this very moment- the way you are looking, the way you are sitting and the way various expressions come and go your face. I want this moment to last forever.

In every life there are moments that bring it definition.
Indeed.

It's strange how we have always been able to get comfortable with one another, like an old couple who know each other very well. They say, young love and friendships can’t stand the silence, it wants to talk, to do something, to keep itself busy and that is the only way they find to attract each other. However, when any relation matures, it doesn’t require those things to keep it interested. I tend to believe that we have reached that point or are getting there. I like it. It is more comforting than anything else. You might not think the same way but I like to fantasize, and no matter what you do or what happens, these fantasies can't really stop. I love you and I know I will always love you whether we stay together or not, whether we even see each other again or not.

Last night, I sneaked in just to watch you sleeping. I love it when you are fast asleep and I can have you all to myself. However, you did not seem to be at peace. I expected you to be but you weren’t. There was anger on your face accentuated with some pain and though you were fast asleep I could feel your body in a very uncomfortable state. I wonder if you ever sleep peacefully. May be you did once. I hope you do again. It hurts me to see you like that. I wish I could just absorb all your pain . I know we both do.

Peeking from behind the screen, I see you and this time you see me too. You wonder if I am sleepy, tired or just bored. I assure you that I am working and totally comfortable. I wish I could tell you how happy and satisfied I am at this moment because you are here. I wouldn’t ask anything more from you. I know you wouldn’t be able to give me that and, I know you won’t be able to give me these moments again either. Things are unpredictable. Things have always been unpredictable. That is why I want to see you and preserve this very moment in my memory forever because this is happiness for me.

I get a friendly pat on my head from you and suddenly I feel sleepy. Not because I am tired but I am at peace. It happens when you are around. Its the trust and comfort that have developed over the course of these miraculous years.

So, I will sleep. I will sleep in this happy moment, whispering under my breath those three little words,

“I Love You”.

Yes, I do.

-Raajii